Olympic organisers in the USA, who are angling to host another Games as soon as possible, have announced the addition of a thrilling new variation on the shooting sports, combining them with all other sports and calling it Gang Banging.
“We wanted a special American flavour to the sports, and what could be more American than shooting sports with human targets?” US Olympic Games Organising Committee member Hank Atchif III said as he released the video below.
Olympic shooting champions were very supportive of the new sport. “Clays and bulleyes are actually quite boring,” they said, “and since pigeons were banned we’ve had to pretend we’re not really cold-blooded killers like all gun owners. This change is just what the sport needs, not just for us but for the spectators, too.”
Television companies were equally enthusiastic, expecting profits to soar, and funeral parlours were queuing up to sponsor athletes and cash in on the additional business.
“It’s a win-win for everyone,” said the USOGOC. [Story conintues below.]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPiblnaNCiw
Australian gun control guru John Crook became so excited by the potential publicity benefits of dead athletes that he fainted. His colleague, Samantha Lee, was said to be having kittens, which were promptly shot by Olympic marksmen while PETA protested nearby.
Former Prime Minister “Little Johnny” Howard has recommended the Olympic organising committee stop the killing by banning gold and silver medals, and conducting a buyback of all medals that have already been awarded.
“If we get those gold and silver medals off the tracks, we will have a safer Olympic community. There is no need in sporting society for dangerous shooters of the kind who can win gold and silver. I do, however, see there is a need for some medals, and as bronze medal winners miss more often, I believe they are acceptable.”
Police commissioners from all over Australia conducted secret meetings at which they decided to demand more gun laws. “Olympic shooting is a legitimate sport, and we will instead focus on crime, but to do that effectively we need to outlaw the Olympics. Until then, we will arrest Olympic shooters under association laws and see if it stands up in court,” a spokesperson said. Police are also expected to revoke the shooting licences of any athletes shot by Olympic shooters, on the grounds that while these victims may still be ‘proper’, they are no longer ‘fit’.
Reactions from other Olympic sportspeople were mixed.
“What if they miss us and just flatten our tyres?” asked one cyclist. “That would give some riders an unfair advantage over others.”
One sprinter predicted world records would tumble when shooting was combined with track events: “It provides a wonderful incentive. I know I’ll be running a hell of a lot faster!” she said.
“Who needs drugs when you’ve got guns?” Lance Armstrong asked.
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