Toilet brushes are at the centre of a devastating crime wave.

Lawmakers bristle over toilet-brush guns

The government is rushing to introduce new Toilet Brush Control legislation and enforce the registration of nine-inch nails in response to the surge in construction of home-made handguns.

Hundreds of thousands of people are using the internet to get instructions to make a four-shot pistol that fires a high-energy projectile with deadly speed and accuracy (see video below), and police say it is a greater risk to community safety than 3D printed handguns.

Like a printed gun, the Toilet Brush Monster Revolver is virtually undetectable by airport scanners because it is made almost entirely from wood, plastic and rubber.

The Toilet Brush Control Bill, championed by Police Minister Battlescar Gallachticer, aims to prevent toilet brushes being passed on to criminals by toilet owners.

A separate bill will mean that all nine-inch nails must be stamped with a serial number and details of their sales recorded so that police will be able to track their use back to the purchaser.

Only licensed builders will be permitted to buy the nails, subject to the approval of a Permit to Acquire that can be issued only when the builder demonstrates a legitimate purpose.

Meanwhile, there has been a dramatic rise in thefts of toilet brushes, and thieves are said to be targeting households with multiple bathrooms.

Groans Party spokesman David Shitbridge demanded an immediate ban on toilet brushes.

He condemned the growing trend to having more than one toilet in every house: “This leads to the stockpiling of toilet brushes, and the Groans will move a motion to allow only one brush per building, regardless of the number of toilets.

“It is a disgrace that this government is letting amateur toilet users, and children as young as 12, have access to toilet brushes.

“The only people with a legitimate need to own a toilet brush are professional toilet cleaners.”

He said the Groans would also amend the Toilet Brush Control Bill to have all outside toilets demolished.

“They simply aren’t secure places to keep a toilet brush and present an unacceptable danger to society,” he said.

The Shitters and Farters Party vowed to fight the legislation.




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Mick Matheson

Mick grew up with guns and journalism, and has included both in his career. A life-long hunter, he has long-distant military experience and holds licence categories A, B and H. In the glory days of print media, he edited six national magazines in total, and has written about, photographed and filmed firearms and hunting for more than 15 years.